(ed. note: submitted anonymously)

I think I just met Typhoid Mary. She wore all yellow and promised to save me from the world. She skirted around the corners of my desktop computer, trying to make herself look pretty yet harmless. She called herself Norton. aka Security Scan v. 2.0.0.87.

I am not sure when I first met her, but I first encountered her about a week ago. I won’t pretend to be the most fastidious of computer users, but I’m not an idiot and I don’t just let anyone into my home. But a few weeks ago I installed some bullshit software onto my computer (which remain nameless) and Norton floated in, date of an invited guest. It happens.

The first time she made herself known to me, she ran a scan late in the evening when I wasn’t looking (isn’t that always the way?). She told me I had 137 viruses on my computer, which made me giggle. I love viruses that make me giggle. To be sure, I ran my legitimate (if not slightly questionable) software whore, McAfee. She may not be perfect, but we’ve known each other for a while, and I know she’ll get the job done. Zero viruses. (You see, this is why I love her.)

Which to begin with is completely unethical. I quickly began to hate her, smelling that she was the harbinger of doom. Or something to that effect. I told her that was totally fucking uncool, and that her mafia tactics were beneath her. Mary, I said, please get the fuck out of my life. McAfee may be a little homely, and not the fasted disk in the drive. But she cares about me and she would never lie to me.” I quickly decapitated Madame Norton from my computer, using the “install/uninstall” function.

And now, like some crazy killer from a fucking gawd-awful teen horror movie she has sprung up giggling maniacally. She reinstalled. The bitch CAME BACK. So I just poked around her to see what she’s made of, and found that under scheduler it lists 3 days a week to do a full scan (Wednesday, Friday, Sunday). Below this it explains, “Scan will be canceled if a Norton Security product is installed.” And there you have it. Typhoid Mary.

So here is what I want to know of Norton Antivirus. I want to know how you (or other “software” companies like you) could have the fucking audacity to complain about “unethical” things such as piracy. Even better, I want to know how you feel equipped to tattle-tale on viruses, cookies, or other such “malicious threats” when you, yourself are the only malicious bitch on my computer. I thoroughly resent these scare tactics and blackmailings from a company whose supposed goal is to help rid people of viruses, not create them. It is unscrupulous organizations such as this one that are to blame for the downfall of our economy and the moral gulch of this planet.

Thus, I will now re-un-install Typhoid Mary from my computer. Because I would take the hacker ethic over the corporate ethic any fucking day.

Related Link:

How do I get Norton Security Scan off my computer?