The Online Game Addicts Safe Playing Guide

We’ve all had this experience. You haven’t seen your friend for six months, a year. Ran into him or her at the 7-11. Looking pale. Jittery. Soft and doughy, yet stringy somehow. Needs a hair cut. Even smelling a bit funky. Maybe they were in jail. Nah. They would look healthier than they do now. Especially after a period of regular meals and work outs with Bubba. Must be drugs. I know they smoked some herb once in awhile. Coke? Crack? Meth? That meth documentary you saw on Saturday afternoon was pretty weird. All the unfinished projects, the holes dug for some forgotten reason. The deadly red phosphorus. After some chit-chat you build up the courage to ask. So where you been? What you been up to? You can level with me man. Sucking on the glass dick? No? Well what’s up? Sick? To be honest, you’re not looking that great. What you tell me will be held in the strictest confidence. Scouts honor. Come on bro, level with me.

WoW.

Wow? Wow what? What the hell are you talking about?

World of Warcraft. Or Second Life. Or Dungeons and Dragons. Or EverQuest. It doesn’t matter. It’s all the same.

Although the American Medical Association recently pulled back from labeling excessive internet and video game usage a mental disorder, the fact that some use online games to fill whatever hole, hide from whatever reality, is readily apparent in this 21st century wired world. And while the best course of action for some would be to just push away from the computer and let the monthly subscription run out, the reality is that people are always going to succumb to the pleasures of the joystick. So if you’re going to play, make sure you play safe. Here are five things to help keep your brain sane, your body healthy, and to keep the urge from
jumping off the nearest tall building at bay.

Go To the Washroom

While it may be tempting to forgo running to the washroom to excrete all the Red Bulls and Monsters you’ve been guzzling to fuel those all-nighters grinding away for gold, take the few seconds to use the loo. Trust me, if by some miracle you actually get a love interest to come over for some action nothing kills them moment faster than a yellow stain on your computer chair from your WoW days. And no, just because Fergie does it, it isn’t cool.

Get Outside

Lack of sunlight has been tied to depression so it’s not surprising that since you’ve been spending most of your life in a darkened room or basement your medicine cabinet has more happy drugs in it than Lindsay Lohan’s purse, so go for a walk to the store or something. Not only will you feel better, you will start to lose that mortician-like pallor, unless you’re one of the last remaining Goths and want to keep that Gomez Addams skin tone, then just go out at night, you still could use the exercise Dark Lord.

Remember To Feed And Take Care Of Your Children

Do not end up like Iana and Michael Straw, who due to an addiction to playing D&D online their children were neglected and almost died of malnutrition. When your kid’s hair is matted with cat piss or is locked in a utility closet because his crying was blowing your EverCrack concentration you know it might be time to take some time off and attend to the little ones. Then get a vasectomy or your tubes tied.

Get a Job

Despite the much ballyhooed hype of online economies in games, at the moment selling bootlegged replicas of meatspace items most likely isn’t going to make you enough money to buy a DeSadean underground sex and drug chamber. Hell, many businesses are pulling out as we speak.
“Going into Second Life now is the equivalent of running a field marketing program in Iraq.” Getting out of the house and doing something productive in your First Life will not only get you around people without swords but will help get your bills caught up. And face it, if you’re an online game addict and you don’t have enough bling to play for your internet bills or game subscriptions, you’re fucked. And I’m not in the mood for any drama scenes right now, it’s way too fucking hot out.

Spend Time With Real People

Yes I know real people are messy, difficult, demanding and annoying, but they can also be funny, brilliant, loving and life affirming. Nothing can bring you back from borrowing Final Exit from the library with no intention on returning it because you’ve been isolated from the world for the last year and put on a few pounds than meeting some flesh and blood people for a drink, coffee, whatever. And besides, those hot girls you’ve been chatting and bonding with online are most likely to be 14 year old boys stuffing HoHos into their pus bursting faces. Sorry.

(PS: This is the first of a new column about the dark side of technology and how to subvert it. The Monkey Wrench).